72. Aggressive provocateurs Aggressive provocateurs usually include men in the age range of 30–50 years, who have a set of negative traits (primitive interests and needs, overestimation of their own intelligence, disdain for the criminal, rudeness, quarrelsomeness,

Covert-aggressive actions and covert-aggressive personality type Many of us take certain covert-aggressive actions from time to time, but this does not make us covert-aggressive personalities or manipulators. A person's personality can be defined as

How to recognize aggressive plans If you understand how fundamental a person’s desire is to fight for what he wants, and learn more about those insidious and unnoticed methods of behind-the-scenes fighting that can be used and are used every day

Differences between a hidden-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive and other types. Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different styles behavior, passive-aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities are strikingly different from each other. Millon

Typical Traits of a Passive-Aggressive Personality People who are characterized by a passive-aggressive behavior pattern experience the same negative feelings as everyone else, but do not try to understand them or openly express their dissatisfaction. Instead, they choose tactics

Passive-aggressive personality disorder according to the DSM-IV classification To diagnose a person with this disorder, it is necessary to identify at least four of the following in his behavior:

How passive-aggressive individuals usually behave: They spread rumors, spread information that defames other people, but they do it on the sly. They disrupt important assignments due to supposed forgetfulness, and then apologize, but at the same time it is clearly visible that they did not

How Passive-Aggressive Personalities Think They act from the principle “I must resist all attempts to control or influence my behavior, even if people have the right to do so. People around me don't value me, so I will fulfill their requests and

Passive-Aggressive Personalities People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have an opposite style, which indicates their reluctance to receive recognition and support from people in authority. Their main problem is the conflict between

Exploring your tendencies

Every person by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive. This predisposition is similar computer characteristics, called "default", i.e. programmed to automatic selection a certain option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let us consider in more detail the manifestations of this phenomenon.

Both passive and aggressive types of behavior have distinctive characteristics. In order to gain self-confidence, you need to understand the differences between them.

A person prone to passive type behavior, tends to suppress his desires, not to use freedom of choice. He usually submits to the will of others and does not defend his own interests.

For the most part, passive people try to avoid unpleasant situations, but when faced with aggressive behavior, they can become unbalanced. In response to aggression, behavior due to fear of aggravating the situation of a passive person, as a rule, becomes even more passive.

Communicating with such a person can be difficult, because others do not understand what he really wants. For example, to the question “What will you drink, tea or coffee?” he usually answers, “I don’t care.” People prone to passive behavior believe that inertia is the best fit for their desire to avoid solving problems and avoid disputes. Anything that is not a priority task seems too insignificant to them and is not worth the effort in their opinion.

A person prone to aggressive type behavior, irritable, without hesitation entering into conflict if something goes against his plans. Aggressive behavior fuels his energy and assertiveness, but is usually perceived negatively by others. He may get his way, but at too high a cost, or he may achieve nothing because others, feeling that they are being looked down upon, usually refuse to cooperate with him.

The difficulty of communicating with an aggressive person can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but to achieve a goal. The dissatisfaction of the “aggressor” is too noticeable, because his behavior is characterized by lack of restraint. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.

One of the ways to become more self-confident is to change the behavior patterns inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior will look unnatural in the eyes of others, because it is not typical of your nature. But in any case, it will remain within the limits of the temperament given to you by nature - passive or aggressive.

Predisposition to a particular type of behavior can be adjusted by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. As a result of such correction, assertiveness arises - firm self-confidence with a sense of self-esteem.

To do this, you need very little - to improve your involuntary reactions and inclinations. The newly acquired behavior will operate as follows.

People who tend to be passive will find that there is no need to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others think, and speak up about their wants and needs without hesitation.

A small correction of passive behavior will allow you to act actively - to solve problems, rather than avoid them. Confidence will give you courage, and you will be able to express thoughts that you would never have dared to express before, and even get what you have always dreamed of.

A person who is more aggressive than passive will have to soften his natural assertiveness. Correction aggressive behavior will allow you to find that this makes it easier to achieve your goal, because your new behavior has become less annoying to others. At the same time, you should not completely give up active actions. Thus, assertive behavior will pacify your impetuosity without causing displeasure and anger in others.

The general criterion in both cases can be considered the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to their own desires. Those who are prone to aggressive behavior should think less about themselves and take into account the demands of others.

Solid self-confidence provides the key to the ability to improve in any area of ​​life and is especially pronounced in difficult situations, in communication with smart and knowledgeable people. Softening (if you are aggressive) or strengthening (if you are passive) behavior will help you without unnecessary problems:

v to motivate people to take action or change their behavior without causing rejection or hostility on their part;

v refuse something without offending others;

v expressing one's own (possibly unpopular) opinion in such a way that it is perceived favorably, even if others hold diametrically opposed views.

It can be added that confidence will help you develop and improve effective communication with other people. You will find that any situation works for you if:

v give compliments and receive them; they will give confidence to both you and those around you;

v encourage people to communicate, then your pleasure from this process will greatly increase;

v express approval of the ideas and actions of others, rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this you will be able to install feedback with an interlocutor;

v admit your shortcomings. This is common to all self-confident people.

Assertiveness creates equality in relationships between people, the necessary flexibility in behavior to overcome difficulties, and leads to success.

To develop assertive behavior, it is necessary first of all to slightly change the natural reactions to certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance the extremes of character and help you find a middle ground between them. It will “pacify” aggression and “spur up” inertia.

Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieving it. This is the most effective method declare your intentions and take communication to a whole new level.

Analyze your usual behavior and answer the following questions.

If you are passive by nature:

^Are you trying to avoid a situation that threatens to become unpleasant?

^Would you like to express your opinion with more confidence?

If you are aggressive by nature:

^Do you tend to do everything your own way without taking into account the interests of others?

^ Do you want to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?

For both types of behavior:

^ Do you want to learn how to refuse people's requests without feeling the need to make excuses?

^ Do you strive to ensure that your relationships with people give greater returns?

If you answered yes to some questions, you need to deliberately work on your character.

Understand that in order to become a confident person, you do not have to go against your nature;

Make a firm decision and adjust your natural behavior;

Realize that strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find the right solution in difficult situation;

Realize that as you become more confident, you will enjoy life more;

To wish to develop in yourself such skills and such an outlook on things that are necessary for a self-confident person.

Unexpressed inner anger, sabotaging deadlines at work, suppressing feelings - passive aggression can manifest itself in different ways. People with a tendency to hold grudges can cause a lot of trouble for others and themselves. Understanding such a person is not always easy, but it is absolutely necessary to improve relationships. It is useful to know its characteristics in order to learn how to interact with such individuals in the least conflicting form.

What is passive aggression

Anyone feels a wide range of emotions - from joy to anger, and this is normal. But some, due to their upbringing or personal beliefs, are accustomed to hiding their inner world from others and suppressing the expression of feelings. In this case, negative emotions - anger, rage - will accumulate and look for another way to express themselves. One of these methods is called “passive aggression” in psychology.

Passive-aggressive is a behavior characterized by the suppression of anger. Such a person will not openly resist what he does not like, but will express emotions through refusal, sabotage of some action in a complex, veiled form.

It is often determined that the passive aggressor was raised in an environment where expressing emotions was considered a negative trait and suppressing them was considered a positive trait. A person continues in life to try not to enter into confrontation about his beliefs, and does not defend the position that he considers correct. He does not acknowledge the feelings and emotions he experiences and will protest silently.

The main signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

• suppression of anger;
• projecting oneself as a victim (of people or circumstances), shifting responsibility to others;
• silence - a person does not admit his feelings openly, even if it hurts him to the core;
• hidden sabotage - for example, he does not refuse to go to the cinema, but simply forgets about it;
• manipulating people through feelings of guilt.

At work, you don’t always have good relationships with passive aggressors - they never admit that it’s difficult for them to complete a project and need advice from colleagues. They will push on with feelings of pity and guilt until someone gives in and offers a helping hand. For men at work, this often manifests itself as procrastination - constant putting things off until later, forgetfulness, which lead to frequent quarrels with the employer. A passive aggressor rarely admits his mistake, finding anyone else guilty - a colleague, an acquaintance or stranger, and even the boss himself.

In women, this manner manifests itself as a fear of control. She does not tolerate limitation of her will, subordination to her husband. He does not admit his feelings, but only gives hints that he has a negative attitude towards his decisions. Fearing restrictions, he tries to manipulate his spouse, appealing to feelings of pity. This is especially noticeable in women with a melancholic character type. Similar behavior manifests itself in passive aggression in children - they are prone to disobedience, do not fulfill their promises, justifying it with forgetfulness or minor failures.

How to improve relationships

You need to understand that aggression is just a behavior; it does not require treatment, but only understanding. A person does not feel personal hostility towards anyone from his family or his environment, he is only trying to express his indignation at those issues that bother him and cause him negative emotions. The biggest difficulty in relationships with a passive-aggressive person is that people around them take everything personally and consider such behavior to be a personal insult.

Knowing the characteristics of passive aggression, you can find ways to get rid of disagreements:

1. 1. Do not take on a dominant role in the relationship. The aggressor does not like control, he will resist it, and therefore you should not impose opinions and actions, use the phrases “you must,” “be sure to do it,” “listen to me.” You need to give several options, explain your position on each of them, and offer to choose the most acceptable one.
2. 2. Do not force or impose. The manner of behavior will not allow a person to refuse the imposed opinion, but it will pretty much ruin the life of anyone who does this. If his most significant fears - the fear of control - are justified, there is no hope for mutual understanding and any return in the relationship.
3. 3. Do not give tasks with high responsibility. A person with a tendency to passively express anger tries to deal with unnecessary obligations. In the case of a difficult situation, where the outcome of important events will depend on him, he is inclined to procrastinate and sabotage, refusing to complete the task.

Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.

For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.

Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.

Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?

Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.

Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!

Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.

Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.

Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?

• In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
• In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
• Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.

The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your nutrition, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in that!").

Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.

Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, this will help you figure it out safely experienced specialist during psychotherapeutic work with your request.