How parents can learn to control negative emotions. Don't respond to aggressive attacks

Very often, when faced with a particular problem, a person does not know how to solve it correctly and how to calm down. Unfortunately, most often he begins to get “stuck” in this situation and constantly think about it, stressing himself out even more.

Because of this, stress accumulates in him, his mood deteriorates, and anger appears. And this is a completely justified and natural reaction of the body to the negativity with which it has been infected.

This, of course, does not lead to anything good. At the same time, falling into depression, shedding tears, despairing, constantly thinking about why everything is so bad - it is impossible to improve the situation. You know, there is an expression: “When I’m having a hard time, I always remind myself that if I give up, it won’t get better.”

How can you learn to cope with your problems while maintaining peace of mind?

I know that many believers, and not so religious people, in difficult situations begin to cry out to God, asking the heavenly powers to help them. They long for miraculous healing, an instant solution to their problems, and expect God to hurry to answer their prayers. And at the same time they humbly give up. They are waiting for heavenly thunder or the appearance of Christ himself.

They probably think that God himself should descend from heaven in the form of a wondrous old man and solve all their problems. Such a boss will come and ruin everything. And if at this moment he is busy with other more important matters, then he will send his assistants - a brigade of angels - to sort it out, and they will justify everything to everyone in terms of concepts. But if this happens, it means you’ve gone crazy and you’re on your way to hell.

“Over time, life convinces everyone that there are no miracles but the truth.”(Maurice Maeterlinck)

Well, now seriously: God actually always helps everyone and always hears everyone. He is omnipresent. And in fact, he has already put all the answers and all the knowledge into the heart of the person himself. You just need to calm down, listen to yourself and hear his voice. Feel the answer with your heart. Understand that no one will come, descend from heaven and solve your problems for you. Prayer is wonderful, it clears your mind of all the vanity and helps you hear that same inner voice, the voice of the heart. But prayer alone is not enough; you need to learn to accept the answer to it. God always answers our prayers, but sometimes we ourselves do not listen to him or simply close our ears because we do not like his answer.

Don’t complicate your life, please try not to get stuck in your dark thoughts, but act and remember: “There are no miracles but the truth.” Your happiness and your inner peace depend only on you, on the divine within you. Your heart contains all the answers.

I once saw this inscription on a poster that showed a heron almost swallowing a frog. So this frog, being in the beak of the heron, already looking death in the face, with its front paws grabbed the heron’s throat with all its might - it fought! Why do we people so often give up in the face of difficulties?!

"Everything is in our hands, so they can not be omitted!" Believe in your strength, listen only to your heart. Only you can fix everything yourself.

Having a frank conversation with yourself is very helpful. It's best to do it in writing. So sit down and answer yourself honestly the questions: “What feelings am I experiencing now? Why did they arise? How can I fix this? By thinking in writing, you can hear the correct answer by simply putting everything in order in your head, putting things in order in your thoughts.

Analyze, look for answers, ask yourself. Who can understand you better than yourself? And will they even be able to understand you if you don’t understand yourself? Don't expect miracles, there are none! Even when turning to a psychologist, you will first of all have to do a huge amount of internal work, so do not create “rush jobs” and learn to solve your problems in a timely manner.

And finally from me:

Don't get carried away with self-pity
Fate does not like the weak and cowardly,
Stay alone with yourself,
People don't like people who are whiny.

You will figure out who you are and why,
And be sure to dot everything,
Leave the burden of doubts and problems,
And don’t ask fate for a reprieve.

Live here, now, without regrets,
Look for joy in life, beauty,
Without self-pity, without humiliation,
Without complicating the simplicity any more.

Let the wind of happiness pick you up again
And carries into the distance on the wings of silence,
And stop complaining, that's enough!
After all, you are not devoid of faith!

Believe in yourself and accept yourself,
Allow yourself to just be happy
And live in the present with joy,
Let it be bright and beautiful!

Summary: How parents can learn to control negative emotions. How to deal with emotions. How to learn to control yourself. How to deal with anger.

The most difficult thing for parents in raising children is dealing with their own emotions. “What can I do?” says one of the mothers. “I know that I shouldn’t be angry, but when my children start fighting, I just go crazy, I don’t remember myself, and before I understand what I’m doing, I’m already screaming and swearing.” . And here are the words of another mother: “When I lash out at my children, I feel so guilty that then, trying to get along with them, I begin to indulge them in everything.”

Educators understand that such a manifestation of feelings is the wrong reaction to children. And if we want to become parents who are effective and successful in our responsibilities, we must learn to control our feelings. And if we don't find a way to solve this problem, then we will have to fight an endless battle of attrition to constantly keep our feelings in check. And it will be very difficult for us to achieve the educational goals that we ourselves set.

Where do all these violent emotions come from? People often say, “It just made me crazy,” or “He made me feel so guilty,” as if external events give rise to our emotions. But from the point of view of the cognitive (reasonable) approach and modern knowledge, we ourselves produce our feelings along with the interpretations that we give to everything outside of us. In other words, our emotions are not caused by external circumstances. On the contrary, most of our feelings are determined by what we tell ourselves in our thoughts. So, we feel what we think!

According to this theory, our thinking is a type of internal speech, a special conversation with ourselves. Sometimes we realize these internal dialogues, and sometimes they pass unconsciously, so quickly and elusively that we are unable to notice them. But we know very well what feelings and actions are born from such conversations in our minds. We can train ourselves to identify the upsetting thoughts that cause us to lose our temper and lead us to a breakdown. We can figure out the beliefs and expectations on which they are based and gradually change them. This will lead to a less stressful, more balanced emotional state. When we learn to control and prevent those feelings that lead to unconscious defensive reactions, self-defense (which quickly turns into aggression against someone in whom we see a source of threat and danger for us, for the state in which we prefer to be), we will be able to create sustainable habits. And when we learn to control our feelings, we will be able to better cope with the challenges of parenting.

In this article we will focus on one of the most destructive and dangerous feelings that parents have when dealing with children. This anger.

What makes us angry?

Irritability and anger are one of the main problems of all parents and perhaps the most destructive force within the family. Most people who lose their temper easily are aware of the harmful effects of their anger and the humiliating position in which they put themselves. But for the most part, they are absolutely helpless and cannot do anything about it, because they do not understand the reasons for their anger.

Behind outbursts of anger, as a rule, there is a belief that life should go exactly the way we want. And when people or situations contradict the course of events invented by a person, his dreams, plans and aspirations, his hopes, expectations, orders, instructions, demands, the decision he made, then the person bursts out with angry condemnation.

Our subconscious demand that everything happen exactly the way we want it causes our anger towards our children. For example, women often get angry and scream when children leave an unclean room. But maternal anger is caused not by the mess in the children's room itself, but by the fact that the mother talks about it to herself. If she thinks, "What a mess! I wish the kids wouldn't leave the room like this when they go out," then her emotional response to the mess will be mild. She won't feel happy, but she won't necessarily be too upset. And an angry mother would rather say to herself: “I have never seen such wild disorder in my life! Why are my children such terrible slobs! Why are they not able to keep their room in order!” Behind this indignation is a categorical demand: “My children are obliged to keep the room in order!” We are not always aware of this requirement, but nevertheless it is constantly present.

What's wrong with that, someone might ask. After all, neatness is very important quality, all parents should try to teach this to their children. The problem is that if we are angry, the demand for perfection becomes central to our words. In reality, at this time we declare: “My children should always be the way I want!” This demand is unrealistic and irrational. The intention to teach children to be neat is worthy of praise, but our anger is contrary to the task of instilling this good quality in children.

Intolerance and impatience

Although such demands are behind all anger, they are not its direct cause. What triggers our anger and leads to a breakdown is the belief that such a situation is unbearable. When we get angry, we don't just think about how we shouldn't allow our children to behave differently than we want them to. We also tell ourselves that this is “terrible” and that “we can’t leave it like this.”

Condemnation

Anger is not only a rejection of a situation. It also includes condemnation. When our children misbehave, we quickly move from “This can’t be left like this!” to "They're terrible kids!" For example, if we are angry at a child who does not come when we call him, we are not only upset by our “terrible” anxiety. We also judge and scold the child for causing our concern. We might be thinking:

“He heard me, knew that he had to come, why didn’t he do it? Obviously, he doesn’t want to obey. He’s just bad!” By attributing bad motives to a child, we begin to see him as bad. Our anger increases if we believe that our child acted in such a way on purpose to anger us, or that he could behave well if he wanted to.

We are not always aware of the negative judgments that underlie our anger. But if we remember everything we were thinking at that time, we can discover it. For example, if a child speaks to us disrespectfully, the thought arises: “How dare he speak to me in such a tone!” And although a negative assessment of the child is not expressed here, it is invisibly present. To identify it, just ask yourself: “Who is he to talk to me like that? (Bad boy!).” And the same thing, if we think: “He shouldn’t talk to me like that!”, then we can continue our train of thought: “And since he does this, then he... (Terrible child!).” We don't want to admit it, but that's always the reasoning.

Intolerance of disappointments and low threshold of restraint

Parents who are often irritated with their children may be suffering from a low threshold for restraint. And the reason for this is the belief that they are not able to bear pain, inconvenience or disappointment.

Parents with this complex demand that their life always be easy and comfortable, and that they never have to suffer or worry. But children are endlessly troublesome as they grow. They deprive us of sleep; they tie us to home; they make us do extra work; they are a financial burden for us; and since they have their own opinion on everything, they often act in their own way.

And although we would often like things to happen differently, nevertheless we can remain quite happy if we learn to accept worries and disappointments with equanimity. If, as we wipe up a child's spilled milk on the floor, we think, "What a terrible mess I have to clean up. It's terrible. I shouldn't be working so hard," then we can't help but feel angry at what happened and at the child who made us do it. all this extra work.

Thus, it is our demand that situations that cause anxiety and frustration not exist that gives rise to our anger. We continue to insist that things happen differently, meaning that: “Everything must be the way I want it, otherwise I simply won’t stand it!” The very circumstances that can cause irritation or worry will not lead to anger, unless we say to ourselves: “There should not be such terrible worry.”

Basically, behind anger is the belief: “I want to have, I must have what I want.” And when we don't get what we want, we feel disappointed. Anger arises from the thought: “I cannot bear that My desires will not be fulfilled!” That's why we get angry when we insist on being quiet and the children make noise; or when we demand that children behave well, but they are rude and uncontrollable.

Anger gives us no advantage

If there was anger effective way force children to change their bad behavior, we would soon see that they stopped doing so. But it's the other way around; anger is one of the most ineffective ways to respond to children's misbehavior.

For example, your five-year-old son constantly hurts and hits his little sister and makes her cry. You asked him many times to stop doing this, but he continues, and you break into a cry: “What is happening to you? What do you want from your little sister? Can’t you treat her like a human being!” After this, your five-year-old son will be even less willing to change his behavior. If he accepts your negative assessment, he will think that he is bad. And if he rejects her, he will try to protect himself. Moreover, your aggression will cause him to respond with aggression towards you - and this is hardly the best mood for agreement.

In fact, anger even perpetuates the behavior we want to eliminate. In the eyes of a child, our anger means that he is bad. Gradually, he perceives this assessment as truth and comes to the conclusion: “This is how I am. This is how I will always act.” And he continues to behave as badly as before.

Anger, of course, can intimidate children into submission, but this will come at a high cost to their relationship with us. Moreover, the results achieved are temporary at best. And soon we will have to resort to anger constantly in order to achieve children's obedience. Until we get to the point where we are forced to admit: “They only listen to me when I break down and scream.”

Suppressing anger

Can anger management cause harm? Modern psychology suggests that suppressing anger can be harmful and encourages people to "let off steam" and express their anger freely. However, some psychologists today question this. Thus, Dr. Carol Tavris writes: “It seems to me that the main effect of the theory of letting off steam is to increase the noise level in our lives, and not to reduce problems. I have noticed that people, especially prone to expressing anger, do not become calmer because of this, but on the contrary, even more angry and angry."

But a conscious approach to what is happening is not to suppress or restrain anger, but first of all to work with the root of this phenomenon - our negative judgments and evaluations. Notice the two approaches in the mother's story below.

My son himself did not dress, although he was quite capable of doing so. And when I told him to get dressed, he ignored it or replied that I should dress him. And every time I repeated my words, my voice became more and more harsh. I kept telling myself, “No, I won’t lose control—I won’t yell at him, I won’t spank him.” But with each repetition of my demand to get dressed, I felt my irritation growing. Later, when I thought about this situation, I wondered where I had made a mistake. And suddenly I realized that the idea was not to maintain self-control in anger, but to first of all eliminate the very reasons for anger. What helps me the most is telling myself, “I’m not going to achieve my goals through anger!” And now my son has started to dress himself, although I don’t tell him this. He doesn't always do it, but those few times were really a start. This convinced me that by remaining calm, much more can be achieved.

How to get rid of anger

Caring for the welfare of the child

The first step to preventing anger is to stop demanding perfection from children and looking for comfort and convenience for yourself. The main thing should be not your own desires, but the well-being of your children. For example, if we don't want to get angry at our children because they didn't clean their room, we need to stop focusing on our own displeasure. Instead, we need to think about how neatness and a love of order can help our children in life. And from here you can start looking for constructive solutions to the problem of clutter in the room.

Learn to deal with disappointment

Let us remember that our anger is not generated by external circumstances and events in which we are faced with disappointment, the collapse of expectations and hopes, or simply inconvenience, but by our attitude towards them, the assessment of these circumstances as unacceptable and unbearable. We start to get turned on by the baby's prolonged crying and screaming because we tell ourselves that we can't stand it anymore. And the subconscious reason for this anger is our urgent desire, our demand to lead a quiet life with all the comforts. When we get angry about a baby's crying, we don't tell ourselves that we would prefer not to be disturbed by the noise, seeing it simply as a tolerable inconvenience. Rather, we tell ourselves that we cannot be disturbed so terribly, that it is simply unbearable, that it cannot be endured for another second!

It is the escalation from preferring a life without disappointment to demanding such conditions that brings us to an angry reaction. Therefore, the first step to getting rid of the power of anger should be to give up such a demand. We need to stop insisting that if we prefer easy life, which means we must have it. You have to be tough on yourself and question this fundamental belief. And after all, is our desire for our children to behave well enough to ensure that it always happens that way? Is it because we choose never to be inconvenienced or disappointed that this should happen?

There's no point in telling ourselves when something goes wrong that we just can't handle it. After all, we still continue to exist. This means that we can easily bear it, although without much pleasure.

Imagine someone at the window on a rainy day, looking out at the downpour and angrily saying, “It shouldn’t rain, the sun should come out!” When you get angry and think, "This shouldn't be happening!" - don't you do the same? Life is often difficult and frustrating, but we must accept this fact and learn to live with it.

You're tired because your sick baby kept you up all night, and you're worried about how you'll cope with your day's work. But do not provoke your anger with such thoughts: “This should not happen, I cannot lead such a difficult life!” Instead, tell yourself, “I had a rough night, I’m tired, and it’s going to be hard to get my work done, but I hope I can do it.” And when your children start a fight, don’t go into a rage, saying to yourself: “They don’t dare behave like that, causing me so much trouble!” Instead, tell yourself: “It’s a shame that they behave this way, we need to think about what can be done about it, how to solve this problem.”

The point is to avoid extreme judgments. The child is already screaming more than an hour, and it is quite natural to shout back at him: “I can’t stand this scream for another second!” But it’s much better to choose another, softer expression: “His screaming gets on my nerves, but it’s quite tolerable, I can get over it.” And when wiping up spilled milk, you can say to yourself: “I don’t like doing this, but it’s not scary.” But if we tell ourselves about the terrible mess, then this matter becomes unbearable for us. We must learn to adopt a moderate and acceptable attitude towards the difficulties of life.

And we should keep in mind that we only increase our problems if we get upset about them. We may not like to clean up spilled milk. But if we get angry because of the extra work, then our frustration also adds to it. This is how we force ourselves to suffer pointlessly.

If we are prepared for the disappointments, disappointments, and difficulties that come our way, it will eliminate main reason unnecessary anger and irritation. And then we see that we are much better able to cope with traumatic circumstances when they arise.

Judge favorably

Other important reason unnecessary anger towards children - our custom is to judge and condemn them for their shortcomings. If we do not want to get angry, we must learn to judge children favorably, despite their obvious shortcomings.

We should give our children the benefit of the doubt to the best of our ability. A child who did not come to you when you called him or her may simply not have heard you. But even if it is clear that he heard and understood you, and does not obey you, you should talk to him about it without any suspicion that he is deliberately doing bad things. Just because your child misbehaves should not be judged negatively. On the contrary, you should look for mitigating circumstances for his behavior (for example, that he simply did not want to leave his friend). The child needs to calmly but firmly say: “I know how difficult it is to part with friends when you play with them, but if I call you, I must come.”

Parents should not hesitate to insist on their rights, but avoid any negative judgments.

One of the most common negative judgments in connection with children's disobedience is reproaches from parents that the child does everything on purpose just to upset and anger them. But they must understand that there are always some extenuating circumstances, even if children do not obey them on purpose. For example, instead of considering the behavior of a child who pursues and offends his younger sister as a deliberate desire to disturb us, it is better to choose a favorable explanation for his action: “He does this not because he wants to upset me, he just likes to do it.” And instead of getting angry at a child who yells at us because we don’t fulfill his wishes, we can tell ourselves: “I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. He just hasn’t learned to handle disappointment yet. He hasn't developed self-control yet."

This helps to stop being angry, especially if we mean that children can sincerely regret their bad behavior and later repent of it.

Distinguish between the child and his behavior

To avoid getting angry with your child, don't think of him as bad when he misbehaves. We must learn to distinguish between an action and the one doing it. For example, your child might start an argument about doing the dishes. If you think: “He always argues when I tell him to do something! He has no sense of duty, he is so spoiled!”, then of course you are forced to get angry with him, you simply have no other choice. Instead, separate your child from his behavior by telling yourself, “He has a bad habit of arguing when asked for something.” Then it will be much easier for you to remain calm and take the right position to solve this problem constructively. (For example, you simply do not respond to children's arguments and kindly but firmly repeat your demand to wash the dishes.) Remember: this is not him. This is his bad habit. The child is not equivalent to his behavior.

Stress

If we are careful to avoid exaggeration and negative judgments, we can prevent angry reactions. But there are often situations that increase our emotional sensitivity. It's harder to cope with frustration and disappointment when we're stressed, stressed, or having a particularly hard day. It must be borne in mind that pain, illness, trials, lack of sleep and fatigue reduce our resistance and ability to tolerate the failure of our expectations. Then it is especially difficult to keep your anger under control. But we must learn to accept this and try to remain calm, recognizing that there are techniques that can be used during trials. And don't forget to give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back when you handle yourself under pressure.

The lion's share of our stress comes from the tension that we create for ourselves. We all know how difficult it is to remain calm when trying to meet many demands at once. This is why it is so important for parents to indicate the order of their preferences. We are much more likely to angrily spank a child when we are trying to get a lot of things done in a hurry. Parents should ask themselves questions such as: “What is more important, a sparkling clean home or a warm, easy relationship with children?” “Should I slave away to prepare a wide range of dishes for the family, or is it better to limit myself to a simple menu?”

Although every effort should be made to prevent anger, it is neither possible nor even desirable to remain completely calm under all circumstances. It is necessary and useful for a child to sometimes see that his actions upset us. And an appropriate comment can sometimes cause him sincere regret. For example, if two children begin to offend each other in an argument, you should calmly say: “It’s very unpleasant for me to see that my children are so hostile towards each other.” And when we clean and wash the entire kitchen, and after half an hour we return and see everything there upside down, we can show the child who created this mess how upset we are. What should be avoided is not emotional reactions, but raised voices and harsh remarks about the individual.

Accept your fate

Using the approach described in this article, you can minimize and even completely overcome anger. A there are even more high level, which helps to cope with disappointments, is to sincerely accept what life brings us.

Sometimes it seems that some people never experience stress. Perhaps there is some secret that they know, but the rest do not? This is true! And it's not about the sedative pills. And the point is not that they skillfully avoid difficulties and stressful situations. These people just know how to cope with their problems.

Most likely, you have friends, thanks to whom the word “stress resistance” may have appeared. It may seem good not to overreact, get upset, or get upset when faced with unpleasant situations. But take a closer look: it happens that such people only have a “delayed” reaction. Instead of worrying, they simply do not react to the problem and try not to perceive it, to protect themselves. The opposite option is when many, even the most insignificant circumstances are traumatic. Neither the first nor the second option for overcoming difficulties will lead to anything good.

The very secret that truly successful people use overcoming stress people are simple and complex at the same time: they use any obstacles to their advantage. No matter what happens in your life, it is still useful. If you learn to perceive all the events of your life from this position, consider that you have moved to a new level, because from now on there is no stress You are not afraid.

It can't be said that stress– this is an absolutely negative phenomenon. Quite often it is even useful. It is stress that forces us to leave our comfort zone, that is, it gives us the opportunity to develop, gain new experiences and new experience, albeit not always positive. It is important to understand that if a person remains in his comfort zone for a long time, he does not waste energy and does not move forward.

“Relax, unwind, take a hot bath, dance, go somewhere for the weekend” - all these are the most frequent tips For overcoming stress can be combined in one word - take a break. Of course, this is very important. But the main thing is not to get carried away. Under no circumstances use this method constantly, otherwise it will quickly become the only one, but will not solve the problem. You need to get distracted and relax, rather, in order to calm down and look at the situation from the outside.

To really overcome stress, it is important to understand what is happening. First listen to your feelings, then identify the problems. Try to express as a percentage how much the current circumstances frighten or irritate you. Then think about what good this situation gives you, what it teaches you. Think about the options for solving the problem, be sure to write them down - the more, the better - and, finally, choose the one that you like best.

One of the most common problems that can cause stress is uncertainty about the future. To completely get rid of it, you need to realize yourself as an individual, and not everyone succeeds. However, first, it’s worth remembering one thing important rule: always remember that there are circumstances, and there are you and your personal goals. Try to understand what you yourself value, love, desire and want. Look for new opportunities. There are many more of them than sometimes seems.

Psychologist
Director of the Center for Successful Relationships

Over the course of a day, a person experiences a wide range of moods – from a lazy, relaxed morning mood to an aggressive, combative work mood. We can be happy about a promotion, upset about losing a glove, arguing with salespeople, and falling in love. And each such emotional state is colored by its own feelings, experiences and gives rise to reactions. Besides external manifestations, such as facial expressions, gestures, a million processes occur inside us: hormones are released, the heartbeat rhythm changes, blood pressure changes, we hold our breath or, conversely, breathe very quickly. Mostly all this happens unnoticed by us. We may not even notice how our fists clenched in anger, much less catch the moment when our pupils dilated when a loved one appeared.

The more freedom we give to our body, the less control we have over our own emotions and reactions. We are not talking about controlling pupil dilation - we will leave that to intelligence officers. Simple and familiar feelings begin to conquer the territory, and now some little thing can unsettle us. At the same time, not only the mood fluctuates, the consequences can be quite tangible and affect all aspects of life. For example, fear can prevent you from driving or standing in an inverted stance, while anger can ultimately lead to overeating and weight gain. Giving vent to feelings, a person slowly retreats and eventually completely loses control. We only dream of harmony and, in horror, we begin to look for psychotherapists or simply complain to friends about life, trying to somehow feed ourselves with their energy, to replenish wasted resources.

How to deal with feelings?

Let's be honest, there is no quick and guaranteed way. Controlling emotions requires time and consistency in exercise. For a person who practices meditation, the struggle with his mind is very familiar. And he will tell you that getting started can and most likely will be very difficult. Firstly, not everyone is ready to evaluate themselves critically, to admit to themselves that yes, I am jealous, I am annoyed, I am afraid. Secondly, not everyone can cope with the flow that will open. As soon as you become honest with yourself, old grievances will be revealed, childhood fears will creep in, and only God knows what else. On at this stage many quit their jobs. I went through this myself. But if the goal is set, then the universe itself will tell you how to cope and overcome your emotions.

One method that experts often recommend is observing yourself. Having felt an emotion, you need to concentrate on it, understand who it is directed at, where it comes from, and under what conditions it arose. At the same time, be sure to tell yourself the truth. For example, at first it may seem that you are angry with a colleague who did not turn in material on time. After thinking for a few minutes, you can get to the bottom of the truth. In the end, it turns out that you are angry with yourself because you forgot to remind him once again, or you are angry with the puppy who chewed up your sneakers in the morning. It sounds simple, but in reality it turns out that the mind is cunning, and as soon as you try to catch the emotion and analyze it, the mind begins to slip in various thoughts, trying in every possible way to distract you. You shouldn't scold yourself or scold your mind. Having realized that the emotion has completely absorbed you, you need to again calmly “step aside” from it, thinking that you and the emotion are two different beings. After the feelings weaken, you need to return to analysis again.

The second way to do the opposite is to give yourself completely to emotions. Imagine that someone stepped on your foot and you were cursed at. Now imagine that you take out a flamethrower and burn everything around. In this case, everyone comes under fire: the offender, women, old people, children. Everyone screams in agony. Are you really capable of this? Look how much pain and suffering you have brought to people. Can a crushed leg really bring you to this? Most likely no. This method, in fact, is aimed at maximizing the details, the emotions that we suppress in ourselves, and which eventually accumulate and suddenly burst out. At the same time, having brought the situation to an extreme in the mind, attention will switch from the offender to the environment, which will allow the mind to let go of the situation. Smile at the clumsy person and wish him well. After all, if he reacts this way to such a situation, imagine what hell is in his head.

The third option is suitable for looped programs, so-called gestalts. Many people suffer from some thought that has been spinning in their head for a long time. Should we have said differently, should we have turned around and left, or vice versa, you curse yourself for not going somewhere. Most often, such programs are associated with feelings of guilt or resentment. The method of visualizing different outcomes of any situation will help you forgive yourself or a loved one. Every time similar program begins to unfold, imagine that you left, or arrived, said what you wanted to say or remained silent. The situation will come up many times until you have tried all the options for developing the scenario. If it seems that everything has been exhausted, but the thought continues to arise in your head, imagine something ridiculous. For example, you are offended by a classmate, and you call your flying unicorn and fly away on it under the envious glances of the whole school. Sometimes what we lack is a sense of humor, and as soon as you laugh while solving a problem, it will lose all its power and leave you alone.

Conclusion

Regardless of the method you choose, remember that the main thing is to be honest with yourself. And not all emotions are equally harmful. As soon as malice, anger, and envy begin to leave you, boundless love, pity, and compassion will take their place. You will start crying when you see a kitten being rescued or rush to carry your grandmother across the road. And these emotions are much more difficult to cope with. And is it necessary?

Maria Glazkova is a power yoga instructor, California certified RYS200.

Photo: tinydevotions/instagram.com

If we don't like something, we first start to get irritated, after which we start to show anger. On the one hand, what's wrong with this?

These are normal feelings for a person, and sometimes it even becomes easier only after all the steam has gone out. But you also need to remember about your health - anger is dangerous, its consequences are akin to severe depression, and it even happens that these two conditions have a connection.

Lack of appetite, constant sadness, insomnia - all this indicates the onset of depression. In addition, aggression and anger can be added to this list. Anger is one of the symptoms of depression, part of it.

“If you are very intolerant and short-tempered, grumbling a lot, then most likely you are depressed,” says Carol A. Bernstein, professor and doctor of psychiatry at New York University. – Depression needs to be treated, this can help reduce attacks of anger or aggression. But before you want to see a specialist, there are a few more things you can do. These techniques are simple, but they will help significantly reduce the effect of an unpleasant and even dangerous feeling.”

The simplest thing is to count to 10

If you are angry, first count to 10 and only then open your mouth - everyone knows this phrase from Thomas Jefferson. This phrase is suitable for those people who, in anger, like to say something that they later greatly regret. Sometimes it happens that by counting to 10 you will achieve little, so you need to count to a hundred. Don't think. That this is very stupid. Many professors talk about counting until your speech becomes normal. The slower you speak, the faster your heart rate and blood pressure return to normal. The longer you count, the more likely it is that your irritability will go away, taking your anger and anger with it.

Learn to forgive

If the incident was so unpleasant that you can't just forget about it, then there is a way to tame your anger. Brad Bushman recommends trying to forgive the culprit of your troubles, whether he was a conscious culprit or not. If you forgive a person, you will stop thinking about what they did to you. A person who is angry constantly thinks about what made him angry. These thoughts are burdensome and destructive. Do not think that by forgiving you agree that the action was correct, no. You just need to get away from bad thoughts by any means, and this is one of the most reliable.

Get distracted by something else

The best way to relax is to change your surroundings. Regarding anger, everything is exactly the same. If you cannot get rid of anger, then try to distract yourself with something. For example, you can do some cleaning, wash the dishes, wash the floors, this helps many. Cook a meal, go for a walk, read a book, go online. The main thing is to try not to talk to anyone, otherwise a recent incident may come up in conversation, and you will have to relive all those feelings again.

Don't forget to breathe

Are you angry? Start breathing. Slow inhalations and exhalations bring the heart rhythm back to normal. You need to inhale not only slowly, but also deeply enough. If possible, turn on relaxing music. If you are very often in an angry state, then try to learn a few yoga exercises that will help you relax all the muscles of the body, you can start attending yoga classes.

No need to deny your anger

People who can determine exactly what emotions they are in this moment experience and show their anger much less often than others. A study was conducted at the University of Kentucky that could prove this. People who understand their emotions are more in tune with them, says the study's author. Such people think more often about their experiences, easily identify the causes of anger, are able to see its possible consequences, they cope with emotions faster; among these people the use of such strategies for solving emotional problems such as drinking and drugs is not noticed.

Write about your anger

After all thoughts are written down on paper, cognitive thinking begins to work. And emotions immediately react to what is happening. When people write down their problems on paper, it is easier for them to find solutions. Therefore, think about what is better, yell at the culprit of a quarrel or an unfortunate situation, or put all your anger on paper, and ultimately come to the right way to resolve the situation. It's easier to find mutual language, come to one decision.

Treat yourself with exercise, not pills

Physical exercise - swimming, walking, running - can be an excellent way to get rid of anger and anger. When you exercise, your body experiences sensations similar to an attack of anger - adrenaline is produced, sweat comes out, and breathing becomes difficult. But the release of your emotions in this case is not verbal, but physical. Also. In the process of playing sports, endorphins are produced, which improves our mood and helps manage our emotions.

Let's talk about pills. Try to remember when you started getting angry a lot? It is possible that this could have happened after you were prescribed new pills. There are people who have tried everything in the world, and only then think that the cause of their anger was new medications.

It's better to have compassion than to just suffer

Anger and compassion cannot coexist simultaneously in a person, therefore, no matter how difficult it may be. Try to do something nice for the person who is actually causing your troubles right now. Brad Bushman advises this for a reason; studies have been conducted in which it was found that if you respond to anger with compassion, then the opponent’s anger instantly disappears. Try to speak calmly to the person, do not show your anger, no matter how strong it may be. In response to your calm voice, your colleague will also pull himself together, and instead of a quarrel you will get a normal dialogue.

Nowadays everyone communicates only using Email. Therefore, if a disagreement occurs, there is no need to immediately send an angry message after it. Write it, then think about everything you wrote. You can also use the counting to 10 rule here.

Be grateful

Thanks to research, people have learned that the more grateful they are to others, the less mood problems they have. There is no need to thank the person who offended you, no. Learn to say thank you to everyone who has done something kind for you. Make this a rule of life and you will see. How a simple “thank you” can lift both you and the other person’s spirits.

Many people perceive the blues as a disease of aristocrats or spoiled sloths, but in our noisy and rapidly changing urban life, this illness can affect anyone.

Yes, the blues most often attack in the off-season - that is, in the spring or autumn. The main causes of the autumn blues are considered to be reduced daylight hours, cloudy weather and rainy weather. As for the spring blues, psychologists blame slush, vitamin deficiency; at this time chronic diseases usually worsen, as well as hormonal imbalance. Be that as it may, psychologists say that few people endure the off-season steadily and easily in terms of their psychological and somatic state. That is why no one is immune from the blues.

Despite the fact that blues are most often encountered during the transition from season to season, it can lie in wait for us at any other time. It can be expressed by chronic fatigue, vegetative-vascular dystonia, mild depression, as well as rapid fatigue, dissatisfaction with oneself, despondency, apathy and lack of desire to do anything.

How to deal with blues and bad mood.

This may sound strange, but changing your nutritional system, that is, a kind of diet, can help you get out of the blues. Some products have already proven their effectiveness many times positive influence on a person's mood. It is worth introducing some food products into your diet, and you are guaranteed to get rid of a bad mood.

Here is a sample list of such products:

• hard cheese;
• potato;
• oatmeal;
• bananas, pears, various citrus fruits (oranges, grapefruits, lemons, tangerines, etc.), kiwi, mangoes, grapes;
• red pepper;
• carrot;
• walnuts.

And of course chocolate. As well as various fruit and nut mixtures, the so-called “student’s breakfast” and muesli bars, which can be purchased at a pharmacy or the nearest supermarket.

It is necessary to control the presence in your diet of foods containing B vitamins. They are incredibly beneficial for the central nervous system. If there are not enough of them in your diet, you can take a course of vitamins or get a course of injections, which will be much more effective. Herbal infusions also have natural antidepressant properties.

Some plants not only have a relaxing and calming effect, but can also lift your spirits:

• Mint, oregano, St. John's wort, lemon balm, motherwort;
• Roots of valerian, peony, ginger;
• Rosehip and hawthorn berries;
• Raspberry and nettle leaves.

Another quite powerful natural antidepressant is honey.

Additional ways to combat blues.

Do you want to get rid of the blues? Then best advice are not only a change in diet, but also a change in lifestyle. Spend more time in the fresh air and generally try to move more. After all, movement is life. Another key to good health is to avoid lack of sleep; it is impossible to get enough sleep, but lack of sleep tends to accumulate, as a result of which the blues may appear.

Spend less time watching TV or computer, spend more time taking care of your health. Try to eat tasty food. Healthy and tasty food or not so healthy but very tasty food always saves you from the blues.

Try to find a hobby you like. Attend cultural events of your choice.

There are a lot of remedies to combat the blues. But like any illness, blues are much easier to prevent than to deal with it later. Love yourself, please yourself and be happy. Then no blues will take you.