Five useful tips on how to give advice. And a mini-competition

Giving advice is not the best simple task. You could end up in an awkward situation, especially if you're mostly (unintentionally) giving bad advice. With the help of our recommendations, you will become a professional in matters of advice! Start with step 1 below.

Steps

Part 1

Don't judge. The first, most basic step in giving good advice (or any advice at all) is to not judge the other person. It cannot be assumed that a person has accepted bad decision. We all play with different set cards, and what you were able to do with what you had in your hands has nothing to do with what anyone else would do.

• Keep a straight face and remember what your mother taught you: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

1. Don't press. We all, of course, have our own opinions about what is right and wrong, or who should do what, but when you give advice, the idea is to give someone the tools to make their own decision, and don't make decisions for him. Try to exclude yours own opinion out of the conversation and just focus on helping the person come to their own conclusion.

   • For example, if your friend is thinking about having an abortion but you don't believe in it, don't spend all your time telling her how bad it is. Instead, give her equal parts pros and cons that you know.
   • Only when you are asked, “What would you do?” should you express your personal opinion. Just make sure you give reasons why you have this opinion so she can understand your logic.

2. Be honest. Let her know that you are not an expert. You don't have to spend a lot of time talking, since all she really wants is to talk. But it's important that you don't pretend to be an expert if you're not.

   • This is fine don't talk"I know what you feel". Instead, say something like, “You're right to be upset,” or “I feel like I'd be upset if I were you.”

3. Express confidence. Sometimes all it takes to make the right decision is to know that someone believes in you and that someone thinks you can do the right thing. Be that person for a friend, especially if no one else can be that person. Tell him something like, "This is a really hard decision, but I know you want to do the right thing. And I know you will do what you need to do. You just have to muster all the courage that I know you have." there is you."

   Know when intervention is necessary and when it is inappropriate. Intervention is when you give someone advice when they don't ask you for it and probably don't want it. This can often be done with a few supportive friends or family members of the person, but can also be done on your own. Of course, it's important to know when you should and shouldn't intervene and give someone advice they don't want. As a general rule, you should only reserve this for when you are concerned that someone is a danger to themselves or others.

   • If we're talking about how to dissuade a friend from being friends with a guy you don't approve of, then this is not a very rewarding task. However, if you're concerned that your friend is being physically abused by her boyfriend because she shows up at school with bruises, it's time to intervene.
   • Sometimes a firm hand is what it takes to get someone to do it. right choice, but this can often put someone on the defensive. This is a very difficult situation and you can play roulette here.

   Part 2

   Listen to the story

   1. Just listen. When someone is talking and trying to get your advice, start by just listening. Very often, all you need to do is talk it out. He must be heard. This gives him the opportunity to understand the problem himself and come to accept the situation in his own mind. Don't speak until he's finished unless he wants a straight answer.

      Don't offer your opinion yet. If he asks for your opinion at any point in the story, give evasive answers and ask for all the information first. This is because you need to form a full, informed opinion before you can actually give good advice. He may manipulate history and try to get an answer out of you before you have all the facts to get exactly the answer he wants.

      Ask a lot of questions. After he tells his story, ask him questions to get more information. This will allow him to develop a more complete, informed opinion, but it will also help him think about something he hasn't considered, such as alternatives or other points of view. Ask questions like:

      • "Why did you say that?"
      • "When did you tell him about this?"

   2. Ask if he needs advice! It's a good habit to first ask if you need advice. Some people just want to talk and they don't want to be told what to do. If they say they would like advice, give it. If they say no, then just say something like, "Well, if you have any problems, I'm always happy to help you with it."

   Part 3

   Give good advice

   Take time to think about the problem if you can. If you can spend a day or even a few hours thinking about their problem and possible solutions, take a break to really think about all the possible solutions or approaches to the problem. You can even take the opportunity to ask someone else for advice if you know someone who is more knowledgeable on the subject. However, often people need immediate help at the time they seek advice, so you should simply respond to the best of your abilities.

   1. Discuss any obstacles with them. Walk them through the difficult parts of the situation and why they are a problem. What they see as an insurmountable barrier, in fact, can be easily overcome from the outside looking in.

      • "So, you want to move, but you're worried that it's impossible. What things are stopping you from moving? You have to find a job first, right? Okay. What else? You can't leave your dad here alone? I see."

   2. Help us evaluate the problem from the outside. Sometimes people cannot, as they say, see the forest for the trees. It is not easy for them to see the full extent of their situation or even possible solutions, because they are so fixated on a few small problems. Help them take a step back, to rise above the situation, from an outsider's point of view.

      • For example, if your friend is worried about inviting a new friend to a party because he is older than her and she doesn't want to be judged, you could point out that she probably won't know anyone at the party, so that there is nothing wrong.

   3. Unlock all possibilities. Go through all the options they were thinking about. Then, try to come up with a few new options that they haven't thought of. At this early stage, it is important to try to prevent them from crossing out any options, so that all options can be weighed equally.

      • If they neglect options, try to find out the real reason. Sometimes they may be mistaken.
      • Say something like: "So you want to tell your husband that you're pregnant again, but you have to do it carefully because money is tight right now. You can wait, don't tell him yet until you know about his new job, or you can tell him now so he has more time to look at other options. Maybe you should look at what assistance programs you might qualify for and then talk to him?”

   4. Help evaluate options. Once everything is on the table, go through all the options as you go brainstorming, assessing the pros and cons. Together, you should develop a less biased picture of what can be done to solve the problem.

      • "Telling your boyfriend that you want to get married is an option, but knowing him, it will just make him feel like you're judging him. Another option would be for you and James to meet. James can talk to him like a man and maybe , try to find out why he is so indecisive."

   5. Provide the information you can. If you have advice from experience or even just more information about what to expect, provide that information once the options have been discussed. Then you can use this Additional information to evaluate your options.

      • Again, remember to try to avoid bias and judgment in your voice and words when giving advice.

   6. Know when to be tough and when to be soft. Mostly people want a positive yet motivational pep talk. Sometimes, however, people really need to hear the truth. Sometimes people just need a serious kick in the butt. You have to learn to evaluate what to do in this case, and this is not easy. There is no ready-made formula here. In general, when someone is actually just sabotaging themselves and not learning their lesson, then it's time to intervene.

      • However, if you don't have a good relationship with this person or they take criticism very poorly, then telling them what they want to hear will not improve your relationship with them in the short term.
      • Even when you're giving someone a helpful push, it's important not to be direct.

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Vacation is over! I even returned a little earlier. The poet's soul couldn't stand it... That is, the blogger :) It's time to get to work! Today is another competition post! Very funny and interesting! The last one, I promise :) I really want to win someday :) Last time it didn’t work out, but I’m a persistent person. But let's not forget one of the Eastern principles of happiness - do not become attached and do not make yourself dependent. Therefore, I promise that in the near future I will “let go” of all competitions and will focus on my direct responsibility and what I love very much - writing this blog about happiness. The topic of the blog will expand a little, but more on that in the next post. And now - five useful tips on how to give advice. Be sure to read and watch to the end. There will be a small competition with a valuable prize :)

Readers of my blog know that I love giving advice. To be honest, my entire blog is a collection of advice. I am very grateful to the opportunity that Vladislav Chelpachenko provided by announcing the competition “5 Useful Tips...”. I immediately thought that I would write about how to give advice correctly. After all, this too can and should be learned, including by me :)

1 tip. Give advice only if you have a good understanding of the issue and the situation.

Of course, it’s nice if you are asked for advice. You immediately want to overwhelm a person with information, even if there is none. Be honest with yourself and the other person. If you understand the issue, speak up. If not, then either figure it out and then talk, or explain that you can’t help. Humor helps a lot with this. As a lawyer by profession, at any convenient or inconvenient occasion I was asked about pensions, social security issues and other complex issues, in which I did not understand anything and do not understand. I often had to answer that a lawyer, like a doctor, understands only what he specializes in. Now it turns out that you have a problem with your eyes, and you came to a speech therapist.

If you think you understand the issue (the factual side of the matter), the first thing you need to do is ask what the person wants to achieve (the subjective side of the matter). What is the purpose of his question? Once the task has been formulated, you need to start detailed analysis situations. Listen to the person. Clarify the details and explain the situation as much as possible both for yourself and for him. Since even if the factual side of the matter is the same, the subjective side can be very different. The example of Stephen Covey comes to mind when he gives advice to the father of spoiled children to somehow rein them in. The father replies that they are returning from the hospital where their mother just died. How this subjective moment changes everything. And here, it turns out, completely different advice is needed.

Tip 2. Don't impose your position. Try to remain neutral.

It is very important to remain neutral in a situation where you are giving advice. If you impose advice, you thereby take on some of the responsibility. It is almost impossible to give objective advice, since each of us is an expert only in our own lives. Therefore, there is no universal advice. Perfect advice– this is a basis that will help a person make a decision on his own.

If you feel that you are being drawn into a dispute that is unnecessary for you, or that an argument or aggression may arise because of your advice, then it is better to refrain from giving advice altogether.

Tip 3 Consider the psychology of the person to whom you are giving advice.

Each person has their own characteristics. If we talk only about women and men, the tactics of giving advice are already very different. Men are naturally proud of their independence, and if a woman suddenly, with the best intentions, begins to teach him how to nail a nail correctly, then the man, to put it mildly, will throw him to hell along with his wife, hammer, and nail. For a man, advice is always a blow to pride, so give it only if it is really necessary and in the mildest formulations like: “Darling, there are a lot of videos on YouTube on how to hammer nails. I looked yesterday, but I still didn’t succeed. Maybe you can figure it out better than me?”

Women perceive advice completely differently. And for a woman, advice is a manifestation of love, a good relationship with a person, even if the advice itself is not particularly valuable in content. Women take advice much more easily, especially of a subjective nature. “You know, last year my tights tore at a party. Since then I always carry spare ones in my purse. And I recommend it to you too"

It is generally better not to give advice to people with watchman syndrome (low self-esteem) and know-it-all syndrome (high self-esteem). You will run into aggression or a closed door. The most correct position in this case is to ask for advice. And then the person will open all the doors for you, even if he is not a watchman :)

Tip 4 Maintain a friendly tone and give advice as you would like it to be given to you.

Nobody likes to be lectured. “You still have to study and study!” “I told you right away that you need to call a plumber. We’ll pick it out ourselves, we’ll pick it out ourselves...” “Buy a normal frying pan, otherwise everything always burns.”

Every person wants to be treated with kindness and respect. If you give advice, try to give it face to face. Don't demonstrate a person's incompetence to others. Choose your wording carefully. “Son, you are already in the sixth grade. You know and can do a lot, but there is no person who knows everything. We all have to learn constantly. Maybe you can still work on your math mistakes?” It’s better not to say anything to a man under a burning hand, but if you really want to, you can express the above thought with the following words: “Darling, let’s do something else, and leave the toilet to the plumbing!” Well, you can advise your mother-in-law to simply give your daughter-in-law a good frying pan for the next home holiday without additional verbal accompaniment.

I won’t reveal this advice to you so quickly. You need to maintain the intrigue until the end of the post :) My husband and I made a short video for this purpose and encrypted the meaning of the advice in it. Watch until the end! There will be conditions for a mini-competition and a cool prize!

In advance, I ask you not to judge us strictly on our acting abilities. This was the first time we shot such a video. It was very scary and at times I wanted to give up the idea, but I told us: “We can do anything!” (by the way, I advise everyone, it really helps:) Well, that’s enough advice from me for today. Now it's your turn!

For those who don't have much high speed Internet, you can download here

In business, if not at the very beginning, then a little later, when he grows up, you will have to be a leader, one way or another. That's why today's post is called , and in it I will share some of my recommendations, thoughts and experiences.

I will say right away that some of them have been personally tested, and some are “taken from open sources", as the saying goes:-). That is, they are in all the business literature I have read, according to at least, but I have not yet had time to verify their effectiveness. Not because I have doubts, I just haven’t been in some situations. I will warn you about this throughout the article.

Advice for a new manager

I’ll just list them all, I think it will be clearer.

1. The leader (especially) is obliged to take responsibility. You won’t be able to lead anyone if you are not ready to start with yourself, and plan to assign responsibility to everyone.
2. Constant self-improvement and development is almost the most basic task. Otherwise, a moment will come when they will begin to doubt you, and as a result you will lose your authority.
3. If you are a business owner or manager, then you simply owe CLEAR tasks to your subordinates and ensure their implementation in the most effective way.
4. Decisiveness, fairness and consistency are essential qualities. If they are not there, they need to be developed. Otherwise, it will be difficult to lead competently and be a leader of a group or, especially, an organization.
5. Equally important are demands, confidence and the ability to say “no”. The main thing is balance.
6. Work more with opportunities rather than problems. The problem will not go away (or even better if it goes away :)), but the opportunity may be missed. Of course, there are very acute problems that require immediate solutions. But we won’t even talk about them :-).
7. Pay more attention to employees who bring best result. This is both fair and logical. I note this point as not tested by me in practice. I don’t know how, but I didn’t manage to do it... Maybe I was lucky, or vice versa I was unlucky, but it was like that... But the really logical thing, it seems to me, is honesty.
8. Fulfilling promises is the main source of trust and authority of a leader. I also haven’t checked what happens when you don’t keep your promises (I always did, honestly :-)), but nothing good will happen, don’t you think?
9. Give tasks to subordinates taking into account short deadlines - it is better to fail in a short time than in a stretched one. But the risk is the same. Almost…
10. Any misconduct by an employee must be punished. Any. The measure must correspond to the offense, of course, but there should be no concept of impunity at all.
11. The leader always knows that there are alternatives and that something can always be done better. Not verified. To be honest, “they don’t seek good from goodness” is also true. Moreover, :-). Although “striving for the best” is an even better saying. I like it better :-).
12. A leader always knows that time is an invaluable resource. Employees should know too. This is the absolute truth, I am convinced of it, although I myself have some problems with it. It may be unverified, but, I repeat, I am sure that it is true.
13. Getting started is already half the battle. And this is not just another triviality. It's real, try it! 🙂 Get your subordinates to start something. Then it will be easier to finish it.
14. Don't be afraid to work hard and don't be afraid to make mistakes. Weakness and indecision are a business sin.
15. Always look for new levers: skills, time, opportunities, connections...

We are always ready to tell a friend what we think about his personal life. To the neighbor - about his civic and political position. To the drinker - about morality. And to the passerby - about his appearance and manners.

But if we want to be heard, if it is important for us that our opinion is heard and valued, it is worth remembering a few simple rules of good advice.

Talk only if asked.

Our opinion is information primarily for internal use. We live our lives, feel and analyze something, gain life experience. And, of course, over time we understand our lives better and better.

But this should not affect the right of another person to receive his personal experience. Every time we say something that we weren’t asked about, it’s like we’re breaking into someone else’s apartment and starting rearranging the furniture in the kitchen. Who will like it?

If you feel you have an obligation to convey something to another person, ask him if he wants to know. And respect both his consent and his refusal.

Speak with an allowance for subjectivity.

Each of us has an individual set of genes, knowledge, and habits. We grew up in different families, experienced different moments in life and became completely different people.

Our experiences, based on what we have experienced, dictate to us patterns of thinking and behavior that have helped us survive and become stronger. But no one will ever know what would have happened if we had acted differently at some point. Would it be better or worse? It would definitely be different.

Every time we try to convince another that we are right and impose our thoughts on him, we steal a grain of sand from the hourglass of his life. By believing that we need to follow our advice, we deprive others, and eventually ourselves, of the invaluable right to choose and expand opportunities.

Speak only constructively.

As they say, fish look for deeper places, but people look for better places. We all strive to improve the quality of our own lives. Some people just talk about it, while others take action. One way or another, when we set some goals for ourselves, we begin to look for ways to achieve them.

Someone deep down is afraid to achieve a goal and is looking for someone who will dissuade him from it. Those who intend to develop and achieve often need support.

Every person is strong in negative experiences. Practice shows that we usually experience much more failures in our lives than victories. And these failures are our invaluable experience, increasing our chances of success in the future. But instead of sharing our valuable conclusions (which we do not always do), we only share the bitterness of losing and the fear of another defeat.

If you have something to advise another person, think about how much your advice will help him achieve his goal. Don’t impose what you think will be best for him.

When giving advice, base it on the goals and objectives of the other person, not your own. And then you will be the one who helps you take off, and not the one who trims your wings.

I once learned a useful lesson - I tried to reconcile a friend who had quarreled with her husband. Moreover, the desire was sincere and from the bottom of my heart, since I really wanted everything to be fine with the people dear to me.

I took my task with complete seriousness and responsibility, that is, I talked to everyone individually, tried to explain to both him and her what they (in my opinion, naturally) were wrong. And, of course, she gave both her friend and her husband a bunch of “useful advice” on how to better build their relationship.

I wanted the best, but it turned out... I listened in horror as they began to sort things out right in front of me, using my own words and advice. And when I tried to stop this senseless quarrel, they unanimously attacked me, reproaching me that I was meddling in other people’s affairs, someone else’s family, that it was my fault with my stupid advice and that I had quarreled between them.

IN end result They nevertheless made peace and even apologized to me, but at first a chill appeared in our relationship, and then it generally came down to a simple acquaintance, although before my participation in their affairs, we were good friends and spent a lot of time together.

Only my youth and inexperience can justify me in this action, but I remembered the lesson I learned very firmly and since then I have never tried to get into other people’s relationships with my advice. No, I sometimes give advice when I see that a person really needs it and came specifically for specific advice, because he doesn’t know what to do best or doesn’t have enough information. Yes and this advice I usually try to put it in such a form that a person understands that he needs to decide for himself.

It’s sad that my experience came at the cost of losing a friend, but I learned many useful things that later helped me more than once in relationships with family and friends. Which ones exactly? For example, I realized that friends, most often when they say they need advice, actually just want to talk it out in order to relieve nervous tension and, of course, receive sympathy.

Even the strongest people have a need for simple sympathy without evaluating their actions, judging or teaching. And, besides, deep down, in all sorts of difficult situations, we ourselves already have options for resolving them. Therefore, when turning to someone, we expect, rather, approval of our decision, rather than criticism and moralizing.

In general, it is extremely difficult to give good and correct advice, if only because the full picture of what happened is never revealed to you. Often in words everything does not look as it is, in fact, moreover, in emotional excitement a person loses sight of a lot, not to mention the fact that he often involuntarily betrays his soul, wanting to appear in any situation in the best light.

In general, an outside view, which, as it seems at first glance, can better highlight the problem, may turn out to be erroneous, because the person’s feeling inside the problem is completely different. That is, you can better understand the situation, but not understand the person’s feelings at all, as if you were in his place.

And, of course, you always need to understand that each person has his own personal secrets that he will not trust to anyone, not even his best friend. And it’s true that what a person thinks about the situation today, the next day, when the emotional intensity subsides, may look completely different in his eyes. So, when her friend speaks out, maybe she will even regret her weakness.

So draw the conclusions that I once drew from a life lesson. Don’t rush with advice - let your friend express what’s painful to her. Do not criticize, do not analyze her behavior, which led to the situation under discussion. And especially, don’t scold or criticize your friend’s husband if we're talking about about a family problem.

Do not try to demonstrate your own rationality, prudence and practicality in a long lecture-monologue. This way you won’t help your friend in any way, you won’t even relieve the tension. And, if you still dare to give advice in such a tone, it will cause irritation.

As for the advice itself, here's the question: are you not afraid to take risks? That is, don’t you think that by following your advice, your friend might worsen the situation? It's scary to take on such responsibility! Therefore, think more than once before advising anything.

But, of course, you need to listen to your friend, express both sympathy and understanding - she expects this from you! Don't torture her by asking questions, don't insist on answers, because not everything can be said out loud. If you are asked, carefully express your assessment of the situation, remembering to repeat that your view may be wrong.

Try to avoid specific advice, do not take responsibility for the fate and, possibly, the future of another person. You can express your opinion, but at the same time emphasizing that this is your option of behavior, but she is a completely different person, with a different character, priorities and vision of the situation.

You must explain to your friend that she herself is a strong and intelligent person, so she herself will be able to choose the right decision, especially if she tries not to succumb to emotions. A friend should feel your support and empathy, and not receive a clear action plan with strict control over execution.

But it may also happen that requests for advice from your friend come in an endless stream for all reasons, significant and not so significant. You are regularly bombarded with a lot of problems, complaints, requests to sort things out, to advise something. This is a peculiar form of energy vampirism, from which you need to protect yourself and your nervous system. Therefore, if you notice that your time, patience, and kindness are being abused, stop feeling sorry for the vampire and giving him advice.

But in general, good advice- this is good, but it’s not for nothing that they say in Rus' - good advice to the mind is good. We shouldn’t forget about the mind!