Passive aggressive type. How does passive aggression manifest itself?

Iago (right) from Shakespeare's Othello is a prime example of a passive aggressor.

Aggression, causing harm to another living being, has long been a useful form of behavior aimed at survival, for hunting, self-defense and competition. Aggression can be divided into two types - active and passive. Active aggression is straightforward, it is the prerogative of either the strong or the desperate. This is a double-edged weapon - by showing active aggression, you put yourself at risk, take responsibility, and identify yourself as an aggressor. Direct aggression is not necessarily associated with cruelty. For example, the phrase “Let’s leave the formalities and get straight to the point” carries the features of active aggression. Achieving difficult goals is always associated with aggressiveness. You can aggressively gnaw on the granite of science, write books, sell goods, look after girls. In a broad sense, aggressiveness is any forcing of straightforwardness.

Aggressive people, as capable of causing harm, are respected and feared. It is better to have a good relationship with them. But what about those of us who are not strong enough to respond with direct aggression? If you are weak and at the same time show direct aggression, you can be eaten. In primitive society, sometimes literally. Therefore, another form of aggression emerged - passive. This is aggression without aggression, in this case you trigger a self-aggression reaction in another individual or set one against another.

Passive aggression is non-linear, indirect, as a rule, it is the provision of certain information, which, in turn, causes harm. Passive aggressor puts pressure on emotions that cause unpleasant feelings - shame, guilt, fear, irritation, confusion, fear of loneliness, a feeling of stupidity, affects individual psychological complexes, and so on. Since this form of aggression is indirect, the aggressor “washes his hands” and avoids responsibility. He has nothing to do with it all the time. An experienced passive aggressor always balances on the edge where passive aggression provokes an active response. Women, as representatives, have mastered passive aggression to perfection. But they have their own, special cuisine that deserves analysis. What is stated here applies primarily to men.

In the world of men, individuals of low rank are prone to passive aggression. The lower in rank, the more passive aggression. It is one of the key signs of omega. He doesn’t have much of a choice; the road to active aggression is closed for omegas due to their weakness in the broad sense of the word (mental, physical, etc.). Considering, it is not difficult to guess that I am against the passive form, as such, both on the part of others and on my own. Aggression must be translated into its active form. Passive aggressors - like sources of radiation - slowly kill themselves and those around them, poisoning life with emanations of anger and contempt. They feel good when others feel bad. I have already described many of the antics of passive aggressors earlier, because passive aggression and low-ranking are almost inseparable concepts.

I recognize passive aggressors well, but they do not have much impact on me. The secret is simple - I do contact sports at a fairly hardcore level, I have already become acquainted with the most direct aggression and have learned to cope with it. Everything is learned by comparison, and all this passive fuss of omegas seems to me ridiculous, toy-like and meaningless. Only a slight irritation arises towards the “aggressor” in the sense that, supposedly, some mongrel dared to trample and get underfoot. All these false moralists, trolls, highly cultured boorish people do not deserve attention by definition. Their personal tragedy is that their beliefs mean nothing, they are just a screen for passive aggression. Omegas must vegetate in the darkness of oblivion, such is their fate.

This is how I see passive aggressors. Little angry dog.

In the phrase “passive aggressor” what is important to me is not the word “aggressor” (we swam, we know), but the word “passive”. Aggressively passive, angry sofa potato, what could be worse? Male passivity for me is a kind of stigma, a label of a narrow-minded and weak person. The weak refuses to act, and therefore gives up hope. You can't correct mistakes you didn't make, you can't find the truth if you don't even try, but only rant angrily and cling to strangers under flimsy pretexts. Passive aggressors are a failure on the strength, intellectual and moral levels.

An inquisitive reader may ask the question: is it possible without aggression at all? In my opinion, it is possible, but it is very risky. Pure, unadulterated altruists have one a big problem. They don’t know how to defend themselves or fight back. This is a weak point that aggressors immediately take advantage of. Game theory shows that a society in which all players are altruistic is quickly suppressed and dominated by a few selfish aggressors. Models show that the strategy in which you are a “retaliator” - that is, you behave peacefully, but turn into an aggressor at the moment when aggression is directed at you - is close to optimal. We should not forget that aggression in a figurative sense means only active life position, which is never superfluous. Especially in Russia, it is important to be aggressive actively, and not passively; here, IMHO, it’s the same way.

Be active, don't let yourself and others down.

It is often difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we are unwilling to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.

What does the term “passive-aggressive” behavior actually mean? And why is it so difficult to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they fear conflict, and their anger turns into other, more passive forms.

10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Your Relationship for the Better

For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, turning them all pink.

Or Jeff gets angry at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he “forgets” to mail invoices, and as a result, the boss receives a late fee.

Because we are often unaware that we are behaving passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop the behavior– even when it does not lead to the desired results.

We are passive-aggressive when we express anger or hostility indirectly rather than directly.

Passive-aggressive behavior creates a vicious circle:

Anger simmers latently, accumulating beneath the surface, so that the problems that caused it are not resolved, and this causes us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.

When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or say a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.

One of the most insidious consequences of such behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is the victim of a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic.

2. Form clear agreements with your partner.

Specific agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of them.

3. Notice your own anger.

Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry and yell and scream back so they can move the needle to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expressing their own anger and irritation because they don't want to stir up conflict.

Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.

4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Stick to the facts and express your opinions clearly. Make your partner clearly aware of the consequences of their behavior.

5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.

If you ask someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there specific way the person you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.

Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the outcome does not meet expectations.

6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.

This will keep you from being tempted to take responsibility just because you can't wait any longer, thereby engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.

7. Take responsibility for what depends on you and reject the rest.

Take responsibility for errors that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. An apology is only worth anything if you don't continue the same behavior.

Resist the pressure to take responsibility for everything– this puts the onus on you to fix it.

8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.

Be clear about the things that matter to you, and make them clear so that your partner understands it.

9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on understanding your own anger and expressing it directly.

Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.

10. Agree that you both are responsible for the common chores, household chores, conversations and sex in the relationship.

Take the time to negotiate these agreements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often not a conscious choice.
People who react this way are usually unaware of their hurt and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I don't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. This is a trait of my character."
They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published.

By Lori Beth Bisbey

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which expressions of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the negative remarks of the opponent is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it is possible to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.

The main feature of a passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. He has a lot of resentment, anger, aggression, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they don’t want, what doesn’t suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, and wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything – he’s a godsend in general! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?

1. They don't say no

To say directly, to your face, that he doesn’t like something, that he doesn’t want to and won’t do it, oh no, a passive aggressor will never dare to do that. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but doesn’t do it. He will “forget” about the deadline, “will not have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really simply did not want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just so as not to go to the theater with you.

2. They sabotage

If at work a passive aggressive person is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and delays until the last moment. Instead of honestly saying, “I’m having problems with this project and I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency as best they can - in the hope that everything will somehow solve itself and the task will be passed on to someone else.

3. They avoid direct confrontation.

Even when feeling hurt to the core, a passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel...”

4. They suppress anger

In their picture of the world, any disagreement, dissatisfaction, anger or resentment is better to be swept under the rug, rather than brought out. More than anything else, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens to those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestations of feelings, as well as to those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly swore, and even attacked each other with their fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives negative experiences even a little freedom, a monster will burst out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all living things around.

5. They won't admit how they really feel.

It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy a good relationship (or rather than appear angry). In a couple, the passive aggressor will never be the first to say that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he answers: “Nothing,” “Everything is fine,” “I’m great.” But his voice from a mile away demonstrates that everything is not at all okay or great. You are trying to figure it out, have a heart-to-heart talk, but it didn’t work out: it’s as silent as in a tank.

6. They play the silent game

When angry, such a partner does not explode, but withdraws and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can remain silent for hours, days, weeks. Doesn't answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, that you offended him in some way. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your incorrigible guilt? Look what you want - everyone can do it! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated torture they will not tell you or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would it be better if they beat you? No, you can't wait!

7. They provoke you to anger.

And avoidance of open adult dialogue, and games of silence, and the favorite “Do as you know, you don’t care anyway...” - all this sooner or later brings you to the point of white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, gotcha! This is exactly what the passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted from you (most likely, unconsciously - at least something to justify him). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can rightfully consider you bad, angry, unrestrained... Actually, he thought so. Well, of course, he didn’t expect anything else from you. He, of course, hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle... In general, having provoked you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem full program, and for himself he will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible uncontrollable element, it must be restrained with all one’s strength, but building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, it’s dangerous.

8. They manipulate

Passive aggressors constantly press their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying “no.” And if they need something, they follow complex, roundabout paths. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, make heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a strangulated hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.

9. They do bad things behind your back

They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly treated, instead of direct confrontation they choose secret methods of revenge - spreading a nasty rumor about someone, sending an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.

10. They pass the buck

As is easy to see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like he is the master of his fate; he constantly blames life, circumstances, and other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all your loved one's misfortunes. Everything counts: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, you did not guess why he was offended, you gave him unsuccessful advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply the fact that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it was one of your parents) ruined this life completely.

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger in which the person is trying to upset or hurt you in a less obvious way. The difficulty is that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of bad intentions. People tend to engage in passive-aggressive behavior because they do not know how to handle conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person realize own behavior and address passive aggression through communication.

Steps

Part 1

How to recognize passive-aggressive behavior

Get to know the signs. The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny such behavior. In response to your accusations, he may say that he does not understand what you are talking about, or accuse you of overreacting. Always trust your feelings and learn to recognize passive aggression.

Make sure you don't exaggerate. It may seem that the person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are simply overly suspicious and take everything personally. Rate yours weak spots- In the past, have you often come across people who make your life difficult? Is this person like them? Do you assume he behaves the same way?

Pay attention to the feelings the person makes you feel. When interacting with a passive-aggressive person, you may feel frustrated, angry, and even despair. It may seem as if you simply cannot please the person, no matter what you say or do.

• You may be hurt by the fact that you are on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may organize a silent boycott of you.
• You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains but does nothing to improve the situation. Follow your instincts.
• Being around such a person can make you tired or drained as you expend too much energy dealing with the passive-aggressive behavior.

Part 2

Responding to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

1. Always maintain a positive attitude. The power of positive thinking helps you cope everyday affairs. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to drag you into a vortex of negativity. Sometimes they try to provoke a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you in response and appear as if they are not to blame. Don't let this happen.

   • Stay positive so you don't stoop to their level. Don't give such people a reason. Don't insult them, don't shout or get angry. By remaining calm, you will be in a better position to shift your attention to their actions rather than your own. Getting angry will only distract attention from the real problems.
   • Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression gives off emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, and directly express your emotions. When faced with passive-aggressive behavior such as conspicuous silence, direct the conversation in a productive direction.

2. Always remain calm. If you are upset, then do not rush to make decisions and first calm down (walk, turn on music and dance, solve a crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, what reasonable outcome you can reconcile with.

   • Control your emotions, especially anger. Don't directly accuse people of being passive aggressive; this will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of making a big deal, being overly sensitive, or being suspicious.
   • Do not lose your temper under any circumstances. Don't let the person know that he or she was able to take you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and it will happen again.
   • Refrain from retaliating with anger or other emotionally charged reactions. This way you will take control of the situation and will appear as someone who cannot be pushed around.

3. Start a conversation about the problem. As long as you maintain emotional resilience, self-respect and calm, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I could be wrong, but I’m guessing you were upset that Dima wasn’t invited to the party. Let's discuss this?

   • Be direct and to the point. If you express your thoughts unclearly and speak in general phrases, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what was said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak out directly.
   • The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of freely interpreting phrases like “You’re back to your old ways!” This way you won’t get anywhere; it’s better to immediately talk about a specific action. So, if you are annoyed by a silent boycott, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.

4. The person must realize that he is upset. You don't have to escalate the situation, but remain firm and say, “You seem really upset right now,” or “It sounds like something is bothering you.”

Part 3

How to Protect yourself from Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Set boundaries for these people. You certainly don't want to incite confrontation, but you also don't want to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is a form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right set boundaries.

• A common mistake is being too soft. By giving in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose control of the situation. This is a kind of power confrontation. It is possible to remain calm and positive, but still remain strong and firm in your decisions.
• Respect established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If a person is constantly late and makes you nervous, then tell him that the next time he is late, you will simply go to the cinema without him. This is one way of saying that you are not going to pay for someone else's behavior.

1. Find and address the root of the problem. The best way To cope with such anger is to evaluate all prospects as early as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.

   • If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk with mutual friends who may know the reason and recognize the signs of incipient anger in time.
   • Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons driving this behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.

2. Learn assertive communication. Communication can be aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.

3. Understand when it's best to avoid meeting a person completely. If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obviously best to stop communicating with him. Your well-being is more important.

   • Find ways to see such a person as little as possible and not be alone. Always be part of a team.
   • If such people only carry negative energy, then think twice about whether it’s worth communicating with them at all.

4. Don't share information that could be used against you. Don't tell passive-aggressive people personal information, your emotions and thoughts.

   • Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malicious intent. You can answer them, but don't go into detail. Be friendly, but keep your answers short and vague.
   • Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive individuals often remember such details, even those mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.

5. Contact a mediator for help. This should be an objective third party representative from HR, a close (but objective) relative, or mutual friend. The key is to use someone who not only you, but also your passive-aggressive interlocutor trusts.

   • Before meeting with the mediator, tell him or her about your concerns. Try to look at the situation from someone else's point of view and understand what gives rise to anger. Avoid being judgmental and try to understand the reasons behind the repulsive behavior in a situation where you are trying to help.
   • In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing, “Come on, it's just a joke,” or “You're overreacting.” This is why it is better to involve a third party.

6. Communicate consequences if the person does not change behavior. Because passive-aggressive individuals are secretive, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses and turning the arrows are just a few of the patterns.

   • Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to provide one or two firm consequences to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
   • The ability to understand and outline consequences is one of the most effective ways get the passive-aggressive person to “give in.” Properly communicated consequences will stop a difficult person and may change his or her reluctance to cooperate.

7. Reinforce appropriate behavior. In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement refers to something you do or give to a person after they have engaged in a particular behavior. The purpose of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of the behavior.

   • This may mean a reward for good behavior that needs to be maintained, or a punishment for bad behavior that needs to be eliminated. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest of tasks because negative behavior is more noticeable than positive behavior. Always try to review good behavior so you don't miss an opportunity to reinforce it.
   • For example, if a passive-aggressive person opens up and honestly voices his feelings (“I feel like you’re being this way to me on purpose!”), then that’s a great sign! Reinforce this behavior with the following words: “Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me how you feel.”
   • This will attract positive attention to good behavior and allow you to recognize emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.
• If you find fault, grumble and get angry, you will only fuel the conflict and give the person more excuses and reasons not to admit responsibility.
• By accepting this behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you are enabling and encouraging passive-aggressive behavior.
• People who engage in this behavior often feel proud of their ability to control their emotions.

Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.

For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.

Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.

Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?

Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.

Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!

Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.

Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.

Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?

• In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
• In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
• Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.

The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your nutrition, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in that!").

Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.

Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, this will help you figure it out safely experienced specialist during psychotherapeutic work with your request.